Defining The Relationship: A Boy And His Raffy
04.6.2010 Have you met Raffy? Raffy is a cute little, albeit now matted down Kathe Kruse giraffe towel doll that I may have mentioned a few times like here and here and here. We picked him up at a local boutique store called A Woman’s Work in December 2008. At just under $30, he was not cheap, but it was close enough to Christmas so that was a reasonable justification, right?
At the time, Harper and Mateo were nearing eight months old and we were really trying to focus on sleep training. That meant that Mateo was about to have to cry it out. That’s right, we were evil. But 10 ounce bottles at 2:00 a.m. can make you that way. So we bought them each a little lovie, “Raffy” for Mateo, and a "Kitty" for Harper.
Each nap and night-time, we’d place Raffy and Kitty next to each baby, with the hopes of encouraging some Pavlovian effect that would ultimately result in them wanting to sleep at the sight of said lovie. Okay, so it never worked out that perfectly, but within three short months, Raffy was most definitely Mateo’s sleep item.
Right away, Mateo loved his Raffy, and even nearing midnight, we’d find him asleep touching Raffy in some way, like here at fourteen months:
or during naps like here in an ever-shrinking playpen at Grandma's house:
And then in late June 2009, we had a huge scare: we went to our friend’s lake house about an hour north of here, and in the sleep-deprived chaos of the next morning, we left in a hurry.
WITHOUT RAFFY.
Our friend sent us a text message that yes, in fact, she did find something by the description of "raggedy red clothed, yellow-headed giraffe", tucked under a bed and attached this photo as proof that Raffy had indeed remained at the lake:
But we just didn’t have two hours to work with, so I quickly made my way over to A Woman’s Work again, running in breathless and desperate, asking for “that little red towel looking giraffe that used to be on the hanging racks over by the door.” I got plenty of looks, but I also got Raffy home just in time for a nap. And we now had two Raffy’s. Something Mateo could never, ever know.
As he became more mobile and verbal, Mateo would ask for “Raf” or “Raffy”. He was also growing more attached to his “Blank”, nothing more than a Gerber Flatfold Birdseye cloth diapers 
But otherwise, Raffy stayed in the bed (or more recently, over the door) at all other times unless getting ready for bathtime/bedtime, like here at eighteen months:
This was a something I had insisted upon, mainly because of my thing about self-sufficiency and independence and the irrational fear of raising children who can't hold their own and turn out to be kids who need their parents to fill out their college applications for them because they don't know how to do anything for themselves. B-R-E-A-T-H-E!
There are a few exceptions, of course. Like when we go to Grandma's in San Antonio - he can carry Raffy around most any time so long as he stays in the house. See how flexible I can be? Mateo just loves his Raffy and even curled up in Harper's doll crib gift, pretending to take a nap. “Imma take a nap”, he said.
Or like, at the suggestion of the school's director to help them ease into the transition, letting Raffy and Blank go to twice-a-week group care, something we started them in about a month ago. Their adjustment to that is going about as expected, by the way. Which is to say the drop-off is horrible and they both cry intermittently throughout the day.
But for the most part, we've stuck to our guns. Until recently.
Since we've started school, each morning when I get Mateo up he asks “I take Raffy upstairs, okay?” And each time I have said “no, Raffy stays downstairs”. And then he asks “Imma take Blank upstairs, okay?” to which I answer, “no, Blank has to stay downstairs, too.” He then cries, or asks to take a nap (a sure way to get Raffy), or putters to the stairs, visibly defeated. And for the last few weeks, on my way out the door to go to work, I’ve been sweeping up the tiny pieces of both our broken hearts.
A couple of times, I’ve let him bring Blank upstairs after I got him up in the morning because if ever a cloth diaper comes between you and a Meltdown, which would you choose? But Jennifer and our nanny soon boycotted that idea because I’d head off to work and either of them was then left with Mateo putting his Blank on the table and eating his breakfast with his head laid down on top of it.
Last Monday, when I picked them up from school, I peaked through the window first and saw Mateo walking around with both items. The spoken expectation was that they are sleep items, but to offer them throughout the day, if needed. Turns out Mateo needed Raffy all.day.long.
Resistant to encouraging that habit – remember, until school, unless we were traveling, Raffy was not allowed outside of the house – last Thursday, I only packed Blank. It turned out to be his toughest day yet. I did the same thing yesterday, and got the same result. So I asked their teacher if maybe I should let Raffy come back to school, and she lovingly suggested “yes, I think that would be best for him.”
Anticipating this move, I had earlier in the day posed the question on my neighborhood and Mother’s Of Multiples forum to get their input and experiences on a broader scope:
As comments came in, I began to realize that bending the "rule" on this wasn't synonymous with creating an incapable being. In fact, maybe, my internal struggle dictated, just maybe letting him have his comfort items when he needs them will give him confidence, some assurance that there is sameness and security, even as his routines are changing.
And what I learned from the many responses was basically, RACHEL, SERIOUSLY? LET THE BOY HAVE HIS RAFFY ALREADY! One mom brought up an especially good point that we as adults have our “Raffy’s” be it Starbucks or iPhones or coffee or chocolate or wine or a favorite book or a favorite television show. And as I read through the comments, I remembered that I, too, had a lovie: a small travel pillow from grade school through high school that I accidentally left behind at a hotel while on a church youth group trip to Six Flags. And hell, one might argue that I’m relatively well-adjusted. It might be a long argument. But one could still argue.
Mateo’s sleep habits are well-established, but his sense of consistency and safety have altered, along with his increasing need for his comfort items. So after a good talk last night, Jennifer and I have decided to go with the flow: Raffy any time except at the table (unless he’s using him to antagonize Harper, in which case, Raffy goes to his room).
This morning, Mateo wanted me to hold Raffy and Blank and sing Rock A Bye, Baby. He then draped his arms around me as I sang it again to all three of them. Then, as Mateo lingered in his room clutching his blanket and Raffy, me putting away diaper rash cream and getting his clothes together, I turned to him and got down on his level and asked:
“Would you like to take Blank and Raffy upstairs?”
He studied me over a few long seconds, as if to fully absorb the magnitude of my question, and then his face lit up with an urgent, yet excited whisper of “Yes!”, as if saying it any louder might take the offer off the table. He gave me a big hug, held Raffy tight, and headed up the stairs for some pancakes.
(In a premediated move, yesterday, I took delivery of Raffy III for the wash-n-love rotation, something I ordered about three weeks ago, the last exact item I could find in the world, I am not even kidding. Jennifer will be finding out about that purchase when she reads this post tonight. And I'll just say this, the dollar? In this global economy, it takes a lot more of them to buy something from another country.)
Reader Comments (14)
Funny how we project our biggest issues onto our kids huh? I've found parenting has made me look hard at my own demons and issues.
We recently had to replace loveys because they stank and were super ratty. We let the boys pick out new replacement lovies at Target and it was the sweetest thing I've ever seen to see Alex rubbing each one of his face, rejecting, trying again until he found the perfect one.
Yup. I still have a blank. I had my first blankie until 13 when I lost it, and promptly sewed up a new one for myself, and I have it to this day. It's seen me quite well through two degrees, and I have no trouble filling out applications! :P
My parents had many stories of emergency 2 hour drives back to whatever location I left Jr. (my teddy bear whom I still have) at. Luckily my dad was a pretty good guy who would go rescue Jr. My only advice is when your leaving somewhere make sure Raffy is there.
my kids are almost grown and it's been a long time since i changed a diaper... but i love to read your blog. you seem like such thoughtful parents... i wish all kids were this fortunate.
@Laura C - isn't THAT the truth?
@Heather - see? That's exactly right! It's the progeny of helicopter parents that scare me!
@Battynurse - we have three Raffy's and bet your deflated dollar that I'm still on the hunt for one or two more.
@Shelley - you are sweet and I'm glad you are along for our ride. There's a blurry line between thoughtful and overthinking, but here, I'll take the former.
Raffy is a cool toy, and Mateo is showing good qualities being such a faithful custodian. He has a big heart.
Oh my is that cute. Who would want to stand in the way of true love. Sounds like Raffy and Mateo belong together, what can you do but be supportive. ;)
By the way, we sitll have some "Raffys" here in Germany. Let me know ...
Both of my girls have small blankies as their lovies. I too bought backups. For one daughter the backup is fine, the other daughter was not convinced and only wants blankie #1.
I also had the only in the crib rule, until they got sick and would break down without their blankie. My former nanny went to Sesame Street Live with us and wouldn't let Caden bring her blankie along. Poor thing cried the entire drive, all the way into the auditorium, and right up until she saw the characters on stage. As I told former nanny, that is why it's just easier to let her have the blankie. Sometimes it's not worth the meltdowns. I do still draw the line at bringing any blankies into stores or anywhere they could easily get dropped and I would never know.
OMG, that made me cry.
BTW, I lost my "lovie" in hurricane Katrina. Up until then, I had kept it with me through camps, college, and every place I moved. I've grieved the loss. More so I am ever thankful for the comfort it gave me the majority of my life, and I can rely upon that comfort from within now.
Thanks for sharing your stories with us!!
Our daughter, Kaylee, has a pink kitty that she attached herself too and we have 5, yes 5 of them tucked away.....JUST IN CASE....So I totally understand Mateo and his Raffy. It is so interesting to see them with their lovies. I read somewhere recently to never take away a child's lovie as they are a representation of us as parents, and helps their confidence and security. Ours goes everywhere Kaylee wants to take her. And we have been instructed to NEVER forget to take her to preschool again because that happened one day and did not go well at all.
I had a crocheted blankie that went everywhere with me up to maybe the end of elementary school when I started to worry it would totally disintigrate. Blankie is now packed carefully away. However, Teddy (who as you might guess is a bear...but you might not guess that he's 2.5 feet tall) who I got for Christmas when I was six has been pretty much my constant companion for 23 years. He makes the best pillow, and seems to almost always agree with me:)
Touching, sweet, funny and wittty- just like you. I say give him that little bit of control over his life. When he is ready to go into the big world on his own he will. Until then, it gives him a little bit of love and home when out and about. Gavin has Hippo Blanket, and he still sleeps with him. I would be more crushed than he would be if we were to lose Hippo. So, I have now started to insist that Hippo stays in the car or in the bed or in our bags when we travel. I need to have him forever now- probably more than Gavin does. Sigh.