Blurring The Lines Of Our Routine - Part I
07.28.2010 When the memories of what clearly hasn't worked are fresh like yesterday, the hesitation and sometimes paralyzing fear to stray too far from what is clearly working is something that is difficult to explain to a parent of a singleton, or even parents of more than one child but that have reasonably decent spacing between the children. I don’t know, maybe they do get it. But I do know the folks who truly understand what I’m about to say are other first time parents who happen to also be parents of multiples.
As fulfilling as it is, having twins is shocking to the system not unlike what your body feels like in the moments after you ride a bicycle head-on into a parked pickup truck that you didn’t know was there because you were looking over your shoulder making sure you were winning the race home from the tennis courts between you and your neighborhood friend. Trust me, I know from experience.
And those aftershocks can ripple for months on end. Like approximately twenty five of them.
Not that we go around telling people that there are just certain things that are hard about twins. Just that only a person who has never walked in the shoes of a parent of multiples ever says things like “I don’t know why you even need a routine” or “just let them skip a nap, it’s not that big of a deal” or “let them stay up late, they’ll sleep later in the morning”. Believe me, when you say those things to me, I’m saying “FUCK YOU!” inside my head.
The thing is, no one knows our kids better than us. That’s not saying much, by the way. They are two years old, after all. And so much of two (and three…and six…and sixteen…) is so unpredictable. But what we do know is that we are getting to a time in their lives where we can be a little less structured.
I know.
Internet, I just implied that I am voluntarily less structured. And just six weeks ago I was saying how we were just barely throwing caution to the wind. Here’s another shocker for you: I may be the Type A spreadsheet organizer, but between Jennifer and myself, I have been far more flexible to trying new things with the kids that will inevitably push the boundaries of meals, naps, and bedtime – the trilogy of sanity.
Recently, I am more inclined to smudge the lines by watching their behavior, activity, and disposition for cues that it’s time to pick up go. Put simply - and I attribute quite a bit of it to the kids’ ability to communicate - we are less prone to looking at our watches in order to avoid Crazy. It’s like instead of driving down a single narrow lane at night, without headlights, and construction barriers on either side, the lanes have widened a bit, it’s day light, and we’ve got lots of open shoulder space if we need to correct a bit.
Those Who Have No Clue will laugh at the fact that I even consider the examples I am about to provide as groundbreaking. But for Those Who Know, you’ll practically hear me releasing my breath, and for Those Who Hold Out Hope That Things Get Better, well, you’re about to get a glimpse. We’ve had “so many” little successes in the last few months that I’m going to post a different experience over the next several days, simultaneously introducing you to the fun we've been having this summer. The first one is:
Pushing Back Bed Time
Up until May, if we didn’t have the kids bathed by 7:00 p.m. and asleep by 7:30 p.m., we were setting ourselves up for a disaster. A year ago, they could barely stay awake past 7:00 p.m. without the world ending. But some time around twenty-five months, it became easier to keep them up a little later. I have no doubt that the longer daylight hours have helped make this happen.
School days are a bit of a mad rush to get them home and fed before a meltdown, but on non-school days, the kids have eaten dinner by the time I get home, and if it’s not raining outside, we’ll usually go out to the back yard and hunt for snails, water plants, draw on the sidewalk, and roll around and play in the grass. If it’s raining, or if mosquitoes are swarming, we’ll stay indoors and play with legos, read books, or pretend cook. No matter what, there’s lots of jumping involved.
This has come with an equal and opposite challenge, however. And that’s that the kids tend not to want to go to sleep because there is too much fun to be had. For this, we’ve built in time announcements: rather than just whisking them from whatever they’re doing and putting them in the bathtub (an action which resulted in many a thrashing tantrum before we smartened up!), we’ll say something like “okay, we’ll play trains for five minutes, but then it’s bathtime.” And then three and then two and then one. What we have found is that, at worst, well, there’s still a tantrum; more often than not, they’re at least not freaking out because at least it wasn’t a surprise; and at best, they voluntarily go to the bathroom. We have extended this advance notification and countdown to just about any activity whose abrupt dismissal might send them reeling. This has helped TREMENDOUSLY.
There are still days where an earlier bedtime is the best remedy (poor nap earlier in the day, an illness, a busy day at school), but for the most part, inching minutes forward as the summer has rushed past us, we are now at a place where we just need to be sure they are in bed, prayers prayed, before 8:00 p.m. (and we have no intention of regularly extending bedtime past that).
Reader Comments (8)
I have to admit, I have NO CLUE what it's like to parent multiples, and my hat is off to those of you who have intimate, first-hand knowledge. With that said, perhaps a little sheepishly, even with just one kid (who is now 2.5 years old), I do understand the routine sentiment all too well. In some ways it is so amazing how you can get to know your kid (or kids, now that we also have an almost 5-month old!) so well that you know almost exactly what it is that they need (early bedtime (so early that our friends think we are crazy) - check!). We've found the same thing works for us - prepping them not only in letting them know when we are leaving, but also we do a LOT of prepping our son (and eventually our daughter) on trips that we are taking, what to expect...until the point that he actually tells us the story back. It helps makes things go so smoothly.
I think what I am not really saying or getting to the point is that I appreciate your writing(s), especially when you stand up for yourself and show not only an honest look at your family, but an honest telling of what works, what doesn't, how we all make mistakes but what we do in response to those mistakes is the most important thing. And that in the end, all that love, tantrums, dirt, smell, smiles, new words, laughter....all of it makes up the puzzle pieces of our (and your) family. And isn't that the most beautiful part?
@Erin, you ARE parenting multiples! You just didn't have them at the same time! And it sounds like you have an appreciation for routine. I don't have a beef with non-multiples parents. Like NOT AT ALL. I DO have a beef with folks who purport to tell me how I should be more flexible, yet they have NO idea what the fallout is like, nor are they every around to see it. We're still routined (for sure!) but this moving around of the puzzle pieces is letting us experience things a little differently and we're most definitely enjoying it!
im parenting a 3 year old... just one, mind you... but i think i will take your advice and give it a whirl! i, too, have become a LITTLE more lenient about the structure or his day, but not by much. when people say, "he can skip a nap just ONE day" in my head im thinking "yeah but if he skips a nap on friday, my days are f'd till monday... maybe tuesday." LOL
but the counting down the minutes thing - that might just work! at the very least, it cant hurt, right? this may be a bit premature (i'll let you know in a week!) but you may just be a genius! :)
Oh honey. I'm definitely in your camp and definitely parenting multiples - 4 kids, 2 years apart. Our youngest is 9 and STILL needs a nap every day of the summer because we just cannot stand the whining, crying & screaming of the evenings if she doesn't rest. Our son is the countdown kid - if we don't give him those notices, his 11 year-old tantrums either hurt himself or one of the rest of us. We give our 12 year-old the "ignoring us" award nearly everyday, because, like, you know, she's nearly 13 (in 6 months)! And although our 15 year-old can stay up a touch later and read, she NEEDS a good 9 hours of sleep or we can't stand her attitude! My MIL drives me CRAZY because she just does NOT understand how come we have to have a schedule and boundaries, how come the kids cannot stay out until midnight when the cousins come for the weekend - and at the end of that rope is myself and my husband, dangling precariously, else one or more kids get off their feed and get the whole house in an uproar. I'm with you, every step of the way, though just a touch ahead of you in child-years. Good post.
I get it. I hear you. And I'm so glad you are finally at this place. I felt like I could enjoy the kids so much more when we were at a place where we could relax.
We're a few months ahead of you (my girls are 29 months old) and yes! Right around the beginning of the summer I noticed bedtime could get pushed a bit and they weren't asleep on the couch. Or dinner didn't need to be served by 5:30 or I had two melting down children. It's a beautiful thing!
Although I'm ready for fall and bedtime to go back to 7:30. I miss when they actually ran to their room to go to sleep.
We are just a bit behind you (24 months), but a resounding YES! It has been like a deep sigh that I didn't even realize I wasn't letting out until now. We too can now wait until 6:30 to serve dinner which has sort of resulted in all of us being able to eat together. When I say "eat", I mean that the adults still shovel food in their mouths, but at least we are sitting together and doing it. Thanks for the timely post.
We're at 28 months with my girls, and we are definitely more flexible around here these days! The funny thing was that in getting my girls on a strict routine for their first year or so, I didn't realize I was also getting my husband on a strict routine. It took a lot longer for him to become more relaxed about being flexible with the schedule and paying more attention to their cues as opposed to the clock. When we were in the hospital after having baby #3 in Feb, my parents were caring for the twins. It had snowed (rare here in Austin), and my dad really wanted to take them outside before nap time. When he sent me a picture of the girls in the snow, my husband saw the time stamp of 1:08 on the pic and said, "What are they doing?!?! They're supposed to be in napping!!!!" Hilarious.